daily human interactions. pushing me down further from what I was. Two worlds, the real world and the digitized. The haunting screams lashing me from the electronic abyss. Provoking my anger, and hate. The switch from smiling to a sociopathic blind rage is one pull away. Feeding the demon for release and retrobution. The real world pulling me out of a dangerous counter attack.
"Tool - Pushit"
If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.
There's no love in fear.
Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.
I'll be 29 this year...something has got to give
I see it in every face at work...the smiles hiding a deep depression, being forced to be nice to the type of people that you keep your kids away from. Everyone one call from pulling their hair out of their heads. People who when I started were fun to be around, always in a great mood. Now they've turned cynical, stressed, they look like their about to have a nervous break down. Maybe things will change, maybe I'll continue schooling and find a job that didn't force me to talk to customers, because customers suck!
Well the title is a bit misleading. We've already moved, It's been one hectic month. The end result was well worth it though. First we were going to move by mid November, it was then moved to december 1st. Well we got everything ready to move on that weekend and found out that the place we were moving to wouldn't be officially purchased by our landlord till the 5th. So we had to move the big stuff and wait till then for the rest. But for the deal we're getting it really didn't bother me that much. We went from a small 2 bedroom apartment to a huge 5 bedroom house. And I'm friends with the landlord so I got an awesome deal. It's 2 levels, ground level and basement. All together I'd say it's about 2,200 square feet, it's in a great part of town and we got the place for 600.00 a month. Can't beat that really. But the bad part is that we are completely broke for the holidays, gifts I wanted to get I couldn't and had to settle for cards or something smaller and less expensive. And on top of all this I had to work my normal schedule. Moving before and after a 9 hour shift sucks. Also this past weekend I made a trek to Lafayette, IN. Meggan's cousin graduated from Perdue and we went for the graduation. For me it was a VERY uncomfortable weekend.
For the most part her family is a bit intimidating, well not all of them. The ones who are more my age aren't of course, but her mother, grandmother, and uncle can be. I think it's because they are sooooo different then me and my family. Two very different worlds, They are a family of engineers, lawyers, scientists, inventors. My family is blue collar cajun, I feel that they are nice to me because I'm a good guy and I am good towards Meggan. But I don't feel truly excepted because I'm not on track to make 500,000 a year and I don't have a 10 year plan, And I'm not in college to be some important lawyer or doctor. They talk about it as if it comes naturally, a cake walk, well if you grew up in a family of that type I guess it could be. You get better oppurtunities and your family opens doors for you. But to be completely honest, the house we have, the cars we drive, the money I make right now, is more than enough for acceptance from my family. According to my family I'm a success story, I don't know if that's good or bad but it's the bar that is set in my family. Her families bar is another world to me...alien. Just to give you some idea, her Uncle is an Engineer and designs the CAT machines, all those cranes and bulldozers you see with "CAT" on them, he designs newer models. Her Mother is a Lawyer for a fortune 500 company doing business acquisitions and was recently moved up to tresurer of the company. Her step father invents matresses for the same company and he is also an architec. Her Grandmother basically lives off the money from all the patents that their grandfather holds on industrial glues. Her Aunt is a Botanists doing research for crops in Africa, building a better wheat plant. So a guy coming from an up bringing of all blue collar workers living from paycheck to paycheck can be a bit overwhelmed. Now I'm not some guy who can't hold a job, I have a good work ethic, kept the same job for over 3 years, took courses, got promotions, moved up in the company, but there is no way in hell I could even come close to competing with that shit. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable around her family. I don't know many people from my circle that would. But there is a glimmer of hope, her Aunt Suzie, their family are all blue collar, modest incomes, modest homes, your average midwest family. But to me the only thing that matters is Meggan, and our relationship. If we're happy with our lives then I can be ok with her super human family.
I walk, laughing along, singing the song. They all know me in numbers yet walk away when alone. A turbulence unseen, hidden deep, I hide the real. No one, not even the one who bore me knows how I feel. A trauma, emotional devastation, the building of the great wall. Hints of someone found in song. Hear the flower screaming to consume you, wanting something real, something true. Something I will never find, the phantom of the heart. Soon they all want to be me, claim they know me, but none were there from the start.
Something I found while cleaning up for our move this weekend. Written about 5 years ago while I was depressed apparently.
Where ever bright colors can be found, I'll be there. I am "EARTH TONE MAN"
So I've decided that my hometown is essentially a different country. Sure, sure we watch the same TV, read the same news articles, but the little details is what brings it out. I just realized what "Black Friday" is all about. I first heard the term and witnessed the trend about 2 years ago but never understood it. This isn't something I or my family participated in back home. When something is thought to be common knowledge it's never explained fully, unless you go searching for it. I was reading an article on it and they finally explained that it's the start of the holiday shopping season, on this day retailers attempt to set the trend for the rest of the season with "big savings" and hordes of consumer sheep. So I now understand it, and it's stupid. This just made me realize how closed the culture I grew up in is. And since we cater to tourists pretty much everything is cajun oriented. When I moved to Missouri it was a bit of a culture shock, and this is also where I began to realize how much I didn't know. If I could equate this to something I guess it would be like moving from England to America. While on the outside everything seems to be very similar, yet when you inspect the details there is a world of difference. Plus I can't go to my friend's grandparents house and here them all talk in French.
Some songs, even after 10 years, really get you going. Head Like a Hole by Nine Inch Nails or Sex Type Thing by The Stone Temple Pilots. I don't know what made me think of this but even after being overplayed by numerous radio stations songs like these just get me ready for the day. And in reference to music, I always felt that I would be this 50 year old man still jammin to whatever is new and fresh in the world of music, but going back and enjoying the music of my teen years is pretty fun too.
I don't follow celebrities, I feel that America's obsession with their lives is pointless and a waste of time. But I really dislike Courtney Love. Her brain has melted from drug use and is only rivaled by her apparent greed in getting money that is not hers. Another reason I don't like her is this:
Courtney Love’s troubles have trickled down to her dog’s life.
The rocker dropped off her pooch at a vet’s office in the spring and still hasn’t picked him up, according to a report.
Love took her 13-year-old German Shepherd, Lloyd, to the Beverly Hills Small Animal Hospital in March after he had a stroke and she left him there, according to the Star, which reports that Lloyd is now up for adoption.
“Initially, after the stroke, Lloyd couldn’t walk,” a source told the tab. “But now he’s able to scamper around with the cutest cocked head. He’s absolutely adorable. Sadly, though, Lloyd’s now living in a concrete cage. It’s tragic.”
Copied straight from MSNBC. Maybe all the coke has blocked her memory of having owned a pet.
I finally got Meggann into an RPG.....FINALLY!!! I don't do board games but I do game alot,...ok obsessively. Anyway, I just upgraded my pc with an LCD flat screen monitor and a new graphics card so I could play up to date games. I went out and bought Neverwinter Nights Platinum to try out my new upgrades. Also I've been wanting this follow up to the Baldur's Gate series but never had a PC to run it. Well anyway, the game has an amazing story line and I knew that she loved fantasy such as Harry Potter. So I told her about the story and showed her the beginning movie. I walked her through developing a character and now she is playing it like everyday. She tells me in bed last night that she finally understands why I game, wow. This is a big deal to me, because I am very serious about gaming, hardcore, and she never understood. I tried the "it's like a good book you can't put down" and many others. Now she gets it,..and that my friend is priceless. It's good to have your significant other into the same things you are.
So what the hell is going on? Seriously, there have been more major storms this year than any other year. I once heard a comedian say, the Earth was using us for plastic, and now that it has it, it's trying to get rid of us. Well if there was some underlying intelligence in all this it may be implementing some sort of crowd control. One thing is for sure, everyone will be feeling this one at the pumps.